Love and Vanity

I strongly believe that those that think they are truly loved without reason to honestly believe that are vain. They feel they deserve to be loved and that is narcissistic. Just as you wouldn't go around saying that you are the most beautiful woman or strongest man to walk the face of the earth, i don't believe people should go around telling people they are loved. Love is significant and rare and to believe that someone should love you is to believe that you are valuable enough to be loved by the people you claim love you. if you are curious as to what i feel love is please look at the previous blog and then it will all make sense. Vanity is defined as: "excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit." (definition found at dictionary.com) There are ways to feel love and express that you feel loved without being vain. Rather than saying "I know he loves me", you could say "I think he really does love me because ________" and try your best not to come up with a superficial reason as to why. Instead of saying you ARE loved, you can say you FEEL loved. No one can be crucified for a feeling. I'm not saying that no one in this world is loved and shouldn't feel loved. What I am saying is that vanity and love do not go hand in hand and if you are vain enough to gloat and brag about it, then chances are, no love is there. Just as there are beautiful women, but women who constantly brag about their appearance begin to look less attractive to those around them. Remember, love is precious, and it cannot be taken for granted. Love is rare, and not everyone will love you. There is a difference between like and love, infatuation and love, and like and infatuation. Keep this in mind.

What is Love?

What is Love? How does one define the feelings of love? Since the beginning of time humans have tried to satisfy an accurate description and all fall short. No words seem to capture the true meaning of love. It’s as if our language is too limited to adequately describe such a profound thing as love. I’ve decided that today I will share with you what I believe true love is…to the best of my ability.
Love is an all-encompassing emotion, which grips you from the surface and digs its nails deep into your soul. Love is unconditional, and therefore cannot “die”. If you feel that your love for someone has died, you never loved him or her. Love has no stipulations, and therefore will not alter negatively no matter what the other person does. You can always love someone more, but never less. If you find yourself loving someone less, you never loved him or her, but were simply infatuated. Love is self-less, and therefore you will find yourself caring more about your lover more than yourself. Personal gain is no longer an object of attention. Love outweighs any other emotion without fail. No amount of depression, anger, happiness, or other simple emotion can overpower the feeling of love. Love is not obligatory. If you love someone simply because “he’s my son” “she’s my cousin” “he’s my father, of course I love him”, I’m sorry to inform you, but this is not love. This is simply obligation. Love does not feel pity. Sympathy and love do not go hand in hand. If you feel love simply because “How can I not love her? She’s so helpless, I just want to give her the world”. This is also not love. This is sympathy. Love is greater than man, greater than god, greater than anything possibly imaginable to the human mind. It delves into depths deeper than we could ever hope to explain. Love has been known to cause temporary insanity, which may lead to more permanent situations. “She killed herself because she realized he didn’t love her, and never could”. Love has a mystical veil around it that most of us cannot understand. “My father died yesterday, and after two hours of endless crying, my mother died beside him”. Love cannot be explained. All attempts to explain the ‘whys’ of love are futile. “I love her because she is beautiful”, “I love him because he understands me”. This could never truly describe WHY you love someone. Particularly because they are all shallow statements associated with personal gain, which love does not associate with. Love is complex; it is such a wonder that in the English language we’ve attempted to use such a word to describe every facet of love. You can love peanuts, and you can love your husband…only in English. Love lowers the ego, but heightens ambition. Love is the only emotion that can truly have you appreciate life, and at the same token despise it…assuming it is reciprocated or not. Unreciprocated love is by far the most painful experience a human being can endure, and this is where fear and jealousy come in. Once a person has fallen in love, the fear that their love is unreciprocated triggers jealousy fear, and resentment. Love cannot be stopped or accentuated by means of third party. The feeling of love itself is the sole entity that can grow on its own. You cannot force love onto a person. It is the only emotion that cannot be inflicted or simulated. It can only be felt only on its on terms. This is the best I can do to describe love with the limited words I have. Here are some famous quotes for you to digest.
“No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?” Albert Einstein
“A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the open sea.” Honore de Balzac

Marionette

I stare silently at her,
She lays crumbled on the floor…face in tears,
I don’t know how to help her…
Or if I even want to…

I see the strings…strings…
The strings on her arms and legs…
Marionette…
Her owner above her…his knowing grin…

He tugs at her right arm…
Her arm lifts…
He lifts all four strings and drops her…
She’s helpless…so helpless…

It begins to rain eggshells…
They fall upon her…seemingly only her…
I don’t know how to help her…
Or if I even want to…

He is oblivious of her tears…
They’re silent…
Owners…
They don’t know…don’t know

I begin to feel overwhelming emotion….
I stand there scrutinizing her…
Everyone is watching…everyone knows…
No one helps…no one helps…

Her chest begins to bleed…
Blood pouring…pouring…
She can’t even try to stop the bleeding..
He controls her hands…


He either doesn’t see or doesn’t care…
Doesn’t see…doesn’t care…
Tears still streaming from her eyes…
I feel my chest tighten…

I gather courage and try to run…to run…
I snap back harshly…fall to the floor…
I look at my arms…my legs…
Strings…STRINGS!!!

I feel my cheeks…they are wet…
Wet with tears…tears…
I see my chest…red…
Red with blood…blood…

I feel the eggshells…they hit my head…
Seemingly only on me…on me…
I feel the strings tug me up…
I fall to the floor….

I feel the string on my right arm tug…
My arm lifts…
Marionette…
Marionette…

when worry overtakes logic

When worry overtakes logic

I shut my eyes tightly,
Listening to the sounds of my heart pound,
In my hand I hold his picture,
Slowly I drop it to the ground…

As it falls so does my soul,
Without him I can’t live another day…
I glance for a moment at the empty pill bottles,
Soon all the sadness will go away…

My fears have always been recognized,
I knew he’d leave just as the rest…
I LOVE HIM DEAR GODESS!! I love him…
But the truth is he hasn’t left me yet…

I’ve allowed my fears to take hold of me,
I let all logic stay behind…
Will he ever forgive me for leaving this way?
I told him I felt “just fine”

The lies had been piling for some time now,
Can’t have him worry about a worthless me…
As I fall down to my knees in pain,
I realize he had reason to worry.

I’m dying now dear goddess!!
I feel my heartbeat rise,
The room is spinning ever faster now…
For the first time in years I cannot cry.

I promised him forever,
But only kept to till death do us part,
I can suddenly feel his sadness!!!
It’s too late…my teardrops start.

Confusion overwhelms me,
And I pass out on the floor,
Death has now claimed me,
I feel pain…no more.

This is my original work, DO NOT STEAL.

Recipe for a co-dependent woman

Recipe for a co-dependent woman
*3 cups low self-esteem
*2 cups fear of abandonment
*A half-pint of fear of rejection
*2 teaspoons loneliness
*½ cup loss of control

-Marinate this mixture in a dysfunctional family for about 18 years.
-Shake lightly, because you don’t want to kill her, just break her

Serves one unfortunate woman.

This is my original work, DO NOT STEAL.

Sometimes when I think of you

Sometimes when I think of you,
It seems I cannot breathe,
I wish I could just hold you close…
Is that so hard to see?

You’re truly a man of greatness,
Despite what you may say,
I hold myself as my tears fall,
Can I handle another day?

The distance keeps me shaken,
But our love remains strong,
There’s so much I wish I could tell you,
I wish you’ll know before I’m gone.

Sometimes I want to disappear,
The images run through my head,
Sometimes I wonder greatly…
How would you handle it if I was dead?


This is my original work, DO NOT STEAL.

Just a man

For so many years I’ve cowered in the darkness,
Unwilling to believe there was any light,
Then a glimmer shone in my eyes,
And slowly he pulled me from the chronic night.

He told me he’s just a man…just a man,
But in my eyes he was divine,
I fell in love…so deeply in love…
And soon this man will be rightly mine.

He saved me from self-inflicted death,
And began to work on my self worth,
He raised my spirits in such a way!!
If he only knew the magick he’s preformed!

He told me he’s just a man…just a man,
But in my eyes he was divine,
I fell in love…so deeply in love…
And soon this man will be rightly mine.

And then he left…gone for war!
I felt so lost and so confused…
Still through the distance…such a distance…
He keeps me breathing…our hearts still fused…

And he told me he’s just a man…just a man,
But in my eyes he IS divine,
I’ve fallen in love…so deeply in love…
And soon this man will be rightly mine.

This is my original work, DO NOT STEAL.

An average day if you live like me

I try to remember the intensity of his eyes,
And the soft feeling of his skin,
That smile that masked his fears…
And his laughter that made me grin.

Tears run down my cheeks…
Like the bullets he avoids each day…
This deployment is slowly killing me,
J wish he weren’t so far away…

I look at the empty spot in my bed,
The place where his body should be,
I shake with anguish and curse the gods…
I need him here…with me…

Every morning I wake in a deeper depression,
No one there to give me a kiss hello,
I find I’m losing myself gradually…
If he could only guess…does he know?

I eat and stare into the silence,
I can’t taste the food that passes my lips,
Just going through the motions of living…
I can’t go on like this…

I look forward only to hearing his voice,
Sometimes in reality or in my head,
I hold myself silently and find tears come easy…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not already dead.

All throughout the day I worry…
War is hell they say…
He seems to be slipping into his own madness…
Will things ever be okay?


I pound my fists into myself,
Making bruises only I can see,
The pain reminds me I’m still living…
The pain is what helps me go to sleep.

Sometimes it’s as if I’m drowning…
Into a pool of my own tears…
Other times it’s as if I’m suffocating,
In the airs of my own fears.

Suddenly I remember his warm embrace,
The way he feels when he kisses my lips…
I remember his eyes when he said, “I love you”
I wonder if he knows how much he’s missed…

This is an average day…an average day,
Where suicide thoughts roam free…
Just an average day…an average day…
If you live a life like me.

This is my original work, DO NOT STEAL IT.